FROM JESS: HAIR FLOSS, BISON, & OUTERCOURSE

Gertrude and I have traveled 2,073 miles since leaving San Francisco last Sunday. In the last few days we have passed through two time zones and the cities of Jackson, Cody, Rapid City and Sioux Falls.

Thus far, things have gone smoothly for us, knock on the MDF desk I'm sitting at in the Sioux Falls Holiday Inn business center. We "bagged" a butterfly today. It played chicken with us and lost; its mangled body is currently stuck on the windshield wiper tonight.

I left SLC for Jackson some days ago (I don't even know what day of the week it is right now):
1) I rafted down the Snake River right outside of Jackson, WY. I swear my river guide was Santa Claus' younger brother. He had the belly, beard, chipmunk cheeks (he and I could be twins if he was Asian) and those glasses Santa favors.

Oh, and he was wise too. Just like Santa.
- "That's natural selection working right there..." says Santa's little brother as we paddle pass a group of rafters going down the river without life jackets.

2) I met a very nice man from Kuwait. During dinner, I asked him how much gas actually cost in Kuwait. He said he could fill his rental car tank up for $15 in Kuwait rather than the $50 he paid that day in the US.

He also expressed sympathy for the US soldiers in Iraq. I wondered if he said that to every American he met.

I told him I felt sympathy for all those involved, not just the US soldiers but the civilians, other countries' solderers, etc. He brushed that aside and said, "Yes, yes, of course but the US is taking on so much of the struggle."

We stared at each other briefly and then quickly went back to gnawing on our corn on the cob and talked about how San Francisco was doomed for another earthquake.

3) "Chris is using my hair to floss!" This coming from Chris' girlfriend after the rafting dinner. Both Chris and his girlfriend were dumped into the river during the trip downstream.

This is the only excuse I have for their behavior. I was good enough not to laugh out loud in front of them. And yes, he WAS using her flaxen hair (still attached to her head) as dental floss. I saw it with my own eyes, people.


From Jackson, I went through at least 6 million national parks, forests, patches of dirt on my way to Cody. It was all so beautiful and then dull as mashed potatoes without gravy after 5 hours of driving.
1) Carrie was right. If you've seen one mountain, you've really seen them all. Unless of course they have faces carved onto them (more on that later).

2) I encountered HAIL going through Yellowstone. During one particularly rough patch, cars were stopping, annoying me even more because I was sick of driving and trees and scenic routes and RVs.

I sat there fuming at the lameness of tourists and their need to stop at everything, even hail. Then, I looked up. A herd of bison had surrounded us. It was awesome.

But let me tell you that bison in person look like bison in the pictures. The camera does not add 10 pounds to them.

3) The Cody Rodeo kicked off with Black Eye Peas' "Let's Get It Started" and a prayer. I think I got dirty looks when I did not "Amen" with them'all. Give me a break. Did I give them dirty looks when they weren't bopping along to "Let's Get It Started"?

4) The older gentleman innkeeper told me there was only one nightclub in Cody. Somehow, I think his one good eye mistaken me for someone who actually would fit in at a nightclub.

Oh, and the "nightclub" had line dancing...in case I was into that.


From Cody, I went off to Rapid City:
1) The Mt. Rushmore viewing/ceremony at night is a sight to behold. It was sweet. Almost too sweet, like the third pint of Ben & Jerry's.

First is the reading of the poem "Raggedy Old Flag". Touching, in a good way.

Second is the film about American and its legacy of FREEDOM. I could have done without it. I know about freedom. Freedom is the freedom to decide what freedom means individually. Freedom for my family and I is the ability to study, travel, own a business and to buy large screen TVs. Freedom for my family and I is NOT beating the British 200 years ago.

Third is the folding of the flag by war veterans, active service men/women and their families after Mt. Rushmore is lighted and the national anthem is sung by the audience. This was really the best moment of the night along with the bright stars glistening in the indigo sky.

2) I met a couple from Casper, WY. They had visited San Francisco last year. They compared the culture shock they encountered in Chinatown to that I would encounter at the Sturgis Motorcycle Week.

The Sturgis Motorcycle Rally is a gathering of thousands of (mostly) Harley-riding enthusiasts celebrating the Zen-ness of riding hogs and wearing leather. The couple equated them to the pink-bag-totting little old Chinese ladies in Chinatown. I agree with them that both groups incite the same level of fear in me.


From Rapid City, I went through the Badlands:
1) Dang, it's beautiful there. Take the Grand Loop drive. Bring water and sunscreen. It was heaven for me in the 90-degree weather.


Misc. road notes:
- Buffalo takes like beef jerky. I wonder if Buffalo jerky takes like chicken.
- Arnold, our beloved California terminator, had "outercourse" with his "friend", Gigi. Go to the LA Times for this story. He is why Northern California should secede and form its own state.
- Did you know that the Russian Communist hard-liners are behind Al Qaeda and the 911 attacks? He was on NPR. Is he crazy? http://www.commondreams.org/views03/0906-05.htm
- "Idaho is too great to litter" billboards. I hate states that talk about themselves in the third person.
- "Stop and rest your oxen" billboard right outside of Montpelier, Idaho. The oxen union is certainly protecting its members!
- Card games are considered sinful and are not allowed in Iowa's casinos...land-based casinos. Card games, dice games, etc. ARE allowed on floating casinos. There are two sets of gambling laws.
- A drunken KID just came into the business center and told me that he would like to see me in some live porn. Sigh. Why can't LL COOL JJ come in and say that to me?